• Doris

We met on tinder, I have matched with him before and ended up un-matching but couldn’t remember why when we matched again a few months later. After only one day chatting, he wanted to meet. He was really fast and eager and gave me his number after a few minutes of chatting.

We met at a bar in the city center, I liked him, he was different than other Swedish guys I have dated before; impetuous, funny, straightforward and charming. But he got really drunk and started telling me he wanted to “fuck “ me so bad… He wanted me to go home with him and since he was already so drunk and seemed somehow over excited and agitated I decided to not follow him at his place for a “ last drink “ I discovered later that he was often doing cocaine, reason why he was unusually agitated. He insisted of course and when I declined he was shocked that I wouldn’t trust him. He told me he would never force himself in me or rape me…. I was surprised someone would say such a thing but I liked him and thought maybe it was the alcohol speaking…

During the date he was making a lot of comments on my origin. Trying to impress me with his power and money and telling me that he knew how difficult it was for black immigrants in Europe, he wanted to assure me that now that we were dating I would be welcome in all the fancy restaurants and clubs of Stockholm without any problems. That night he ordered a Uber and drove me back home while insisting in the car that I would follow him, I kept saying no.

We met again and then eventually one a Friday night I promised to come to his place for a drink after we were both partying separately with our friends. I was supposed to wake up early the next Saturday so I told him I wouldn’t spend the night but just have a drink and go home. He agreed of course.

We went to his place, I had only half a glass of wine and he had way too many drinks. We kissed, flirted but I would always stop him when he would try to go further. He tried many times and eventually I became tensed and decided to go home. He then begged me to stay, he said he could feel I was tensed, He said he was a good guy but just really extravert and that he was so tired of women being hurt by other men and then wouldn’t trust him because he was different. He told me he just wanted to have a nice time and it didn’t matter if we didn’t have sex. He spoke and spoke and even had tears in his eyes telling me that he would rather die than hurt me.

So I relaxed, we watched TV until I started to be sleepy and thought I would order a taxi. He told me I could sleep over if I wanted and that he was grown up enough to not touch me. We went to bed but I had decided to keep all my clothes on to avoid any misunderstanding.

But from the moment we went to bed and laid down he started trying to have sex. In the start it was gentle, I was always saying no and that I didn’t want to. After about 30 min I told him I would go home if he didn’t stop, He suddenly exploded and told me that I was playing a game and that I tempted him and then I just said no! He was getting angrier and angrier. He said that I was responsible of him being hard now so I should fix it. He claimed that if a man doesn’t ejaculate when hard, his testicles hurts and it’s painful so I had to help him…

I was so scared that I thought the solution was maybe to give him a blow job so he could actually come and I could leave because at that point I was stuck under him and couldn’t move a finger. I cried in a moment of panic and he ordered me to stop playing. I offered him a blow job, he accepted, but before I could start, he used that moment to get me naked and get inside me.

I tried to push him away but eventually renounced. I was too tired and I didn’t want him to actually get angrier and more violent. He tried different things and position on me while always holding me firmly so I couldn’t move. He was so much stronger than me.

When it was over he kept me firmly in his arms and said I should spend the night. At that point I wasn’t fighting anymore. And when he woke up he just did it again, without asking. I was too tired and in shock. I was just lying there like a dead fish.

Then when he was satisfied he made me breakfast like if nothing had happened. He was being so nice and normal during breakfast like if we had a night of normal love making.

I went home and started wondering what I should do. I started overanalyzing, thought about going to the hospital but finally decided that maybe he was just drunk. I told myself that he just made a mistake and after all a grown woman like me should know better than got to a man place if I don’t want to have sex. I needed to convince myself that his was a misunderstanding and not a rape.

I decided to contact him and thought that if he answered normally and acted like we were a couple it would mean this was just an accident. So I did, I contacted him. He answered, normally, wanted to see me again.

Then I became obsessed by the idea that what would make me feel better is that we keep dating and I would learn to know him and discover that he wasn’t a freak but just drunk that night. But after a week I couldn’t act like if nothing had happen. I decided that I had to talk to him.

I lost patience and confronted him about that night. He stopped answering me and ignored me. It is only then I realized how stupid I had been and how I should have immediately reported him.

I went to the police the day after, and the process started. Of course the case was dropped really fast since he was a high profile in Stockholm.

I felt raped by the Swedish justice system a second time when they shut down the case in the beginning of the investigation without interrogating my witnesses. Anyhow, I know he lost his job because of me reporting him and now I know he will never forget that a black women dared to report him.